Hi, brain. Hi, world. Can we please stop with all of the “shoulds?”

I woke up last Monday feeling physically, mentally, and emotionally drained, contemplating if I should partake in a sloth day. Sloth days, for those who don’t know me well, are days when I address the impacts of being neurodiverse. Essentially, my human battery has been depleted and needs to be recharged. These days are spent nestled in a quiet, low-light space with limited stimuli and minimal adulting. While some (my younger self included) would attribute this action to laziness or lack of motivation, I have found that multiple branches of science say otherwise. The human recharge is real and, as someone who trusts in science and self, I know I am responsible for listening to and responding to these bodily indicators. If not as a healthy gesture to myself, then I must for the sake of those around me who are directly impacted by my self-care failures.

So, there I was on Monday, unemployed by design with nothing on my social calendar and zero time-sensitive to-do’s. I had acknowledged my needs and idyllically found myself in the best-case scenario to attend to them. Yet, as I prepared to roll back over and embrace the unanticipated sloth day, I suddenly heard it—the internal whisper of the proverbial should. From the back, front, and side of my mind it came, the persistent voice of productivity and guilt nagging at me. After all, the night before I had developed a carefully balanced matrix of household duties, professional development activities, and crafting projects for the day. Though yes, I did need to rest and recharge, it now felt irresponsible and ridiculous to not just check off those boxes in my strategical design. It had to be done, right? RIGHT??? Hmph. I’d like to say I gave myself permission for self-care just as I advise and preach to others. But, no—against my and sciences’ better judgment—I got up, put on pants, and started my day.

As I sat there begrudgingly sipping my PG Tips and setting up a family software subscription, I now kept thinking how irresponsible it was to be ignoring my health. I had compromised my wellness for no other reason than feeling the need to check off a to-do list. What the hell was I thinking??? I should be in bed, recharging my battery. And BAM! There it was again—another proverbial should telling me what I needed to be doing. Hadn’t I learned my lesson from my first round of should-ing? Well, no, because in a fascinating plot twist, I then ignored both of these competing voices and craftily pivoted my guilt into avoidance. I would neither go back to bed nor would I work on my to-do list. Rather, I would funnel this dissonance into caretaking my husband by inserting myself into projects that he had neither asked nor expected me to do. I mean, after all, if I couldn’t take care of myself, the next best thing was to take care of someone else, right? RIGHT???

Cue two hours and four password resets later, I grumpily albeit heroically walked out of the office. I had not only updated his computer software, but hacked into an old Microsoft account, added him to my family plan, and both researched and installed a free software program that my husband could use for his digital drawing tablet. (You know, the one I bought for him which had become a glorified paperweight after the free software trial ended two years ago?) Were my efforts productive? Yes. Were they helpful? Sure. Was it necessary? Eh. Was it expected? Absolutely not. And, by transforming my guilt and need for productivity into a Girl Scout-esque service project, I was not only exhausted but I didn’t even have a cool badge to show for my service

I’ve reflected on this scenario for the past week and a half, hoping I could find somewhere else to assign the blame—my husband, dog, parents, siblings, friends, in-laws, colleagues, bosses, teachers, strangers? Yet, as a person who takes pride in recognizing how our ridiculous culture of achievement paired with a capitalistic society manipulates our brains, I wanted to look anywhere else but inward. I knew and know that I am the sole proprietor of this situation and others. It was me who chose to indulge the abusive, gaslighting little frenemy called should. And, it is me who must continue to battle this toxic construct. The good and bad news is that I’m not alone in this fight. I see it in caretakers, firstborns, and women especially. It’s a toxic call from within that has been shaped by our experiences, cultural influences, and systems of power that prey on certain identity groups, such that we have internalized this voice and sabotage ourselves time and time again.

So, as I embark on this personal and professional journey, which was specifically designed to include rest, relaxation, and reflection, I am listening harder and trying to more proactively address the questionable role of should in my life. It’s a loud, strong voice, and it preys on me and others in our moments of weakness while touting itself as the budget version of Tony Robbins. While I’m not saying you or I should change anything (see what I did there?), I do encourage everyone to take a moment to ask yourselves about where, when, and why we give into the power of should. You just might be surprised by the answers.

Until next time, y’all. Be kind out there.